Your Single Most Practical Step in Getting Unstuck

I get this question often:
"Dr. Paul, what is the single most practical thing I can do today to start getting unstuck?"

I didn't recommend:

• A new morning routine.

• A goal-setting framework.

• A better system for getting things done.

My suggestion was much more simple, and yet surprising to them, more demanding: 

"Listen for six words. Then stop letting them run your life." Those six pressure words are: should, must, have to, ought to, need to, and can't.

We say them without realizing the emotional impact. They sound normal, responsible, even mature. But over time, they quietly train you to allow your life to be managed from the outside rather than making your own choices. Most of us are totally unaware how often we use these words and how they keep us stuck.

Over many years of helping people, this shift is one of the fastest ways to get unstuck emotionally, relationally, and spiritually.

The Trap Inside "I Should"

These pressure words imply that we need fear of disapproval or self-imposed pressure (guilt, shame, anger) to motivate ourselves.

Listen to them:

• "I have to get this done."

• "I should be further along by now."

• "I need to be better at this."

• "I can't say no."

• "I ought to be grateful."

• "I must not disappoint anyone."

Do you hear the emotional climate they create. They don't invite consciously chosen responses; they demand compliance or else!

• "Should" implies an invisible judge watching over your shoulder.

• "Have to" implies there is no choice.

• "Ought to" implies a debt you are failing to pay.

• "Can't" often closes a door before you have even reached for the handle.

Motivating yourself using pressure, may get things done, but you are unknowingly building the habitual need for pressure before you get them done!

Here are some of the long-term costs:

• You begin to confuse pressure with responsibility.

• You begin to confuse self-command with maturity.

• You begin to confuse exhaustion with commitment.

Worse yet, you start using pressure to motivate even the people closest to you. Unknowingly, you are training them to use pressure to motivate themselves. Then wonder why they resist what you think is best for them.

Using pressure to motivate yourself generates resistance, which then requires additional pressure to overcome it, turning into an exhausting cycle. You can use feeling guilty, shame, or judging yourself unmercifully just to generate enough pressure to overcome your resistance.

Resistance does not happen because you are weak, because you lack insight, or because you do not care. It happens because our human spirit resists being coerced,
Resistance is your body's wisdom telling you there's a healthier way to be motivated!

"Why Do I Resist Making the Shift?"

Because there is an emotional "payoff!"
Shifting from your pressure language can feel like taking a risk. Telling yourself, "I have to," can feel safer than taking the risk of being judged, criticized, or humiliated.

Saying, "I choose to" means accepting several risks:

• You risk discovering your primary motivation is avoiding conflict or disappointing someone mure than "I want to".

• You may discover you over-promised something you really don't "want to" do.

Consciously making "want to" choices is powerfully clarifying. Owning your truth and speaking the truth in making choices are critical to getting unstuck - if you are ready to accept the risks.

Using pressure words can get things done but the only energy you get back is relief. It sounds like: "I glad that's over. I don't have to do that again until ...."
The quality of that relief is not joy or vitality. It is simply the nervous system saying, "At least that threat is gone."

Ever wonder, "Why am I so tired?" when you are just doing what "should be done"? Ever criticize yourself, thinking, "I shouldn't be this tired from just doing..."

Use pressure for motivation long enougn and eventually the cost is feeling so dead-tired that you can't find enough more guilt, shame, self-criticism, anger, etc. to motivate yourself to "do it again."

I learned first hand in crashing from my work addiction to "Never waste a good crisis!" Instead of falling apart, this "dead-tired" crisis can be the doorway to re-claim living your life from inside out.

The Shift Into Life-Forwarding "I Can" Energy

Getting unstuck does not begin by pushing harder against yourself. It begins by recovering the felt sense that you have the courage and support to make authentic choices.

It's not about abandoning responsibilities you freely accepted. A key is shifting your language and tap into your innate "I want to" energy.

Here is how it sounds different:

• Instead of I have to, try I choose to.

• Instead of I should, try I can.

• Instead of I need to, try I want to move this forward.

• Instead of I can't, try I am not willing to, or I have not yet chosen to.

• Instead of I ought to, try I can decide what is mine to do.

Suggested Practice (if you choose to)

Say these shifts out loud and feel your body's reaction:

• I have to do this. --- I choose to do this because I value the outcome.

• I need to get this done. --- I want to move this forward one honest step.

• I should be better at this. --- I can practice this with more awareness.

• I ought to help them. --- I can decide what help is truly mine to offer.

• I can't say no. --- I can pause before I answer.

• I should be grateful. --- I can make room for gratitude without denying what is hard. 

Don't try to overhaul your life immediately.

Start simply by listening for the moments when you say: "I should..." "I have to..." "I need to..." "I ought to..." "I can't..."

Then ask yourself: "What risk am I avoiding by using this pressure language?"

When you catch one, pause. Take a breath and slowly shift your language to feel the difference in your body: "I want to..." "I can..." "I can look forward to..." "I'm grateful that I can..."

You may:

• Still choose to do the task.

• Choose to renegotiate doing it.

• Accept and communicate that you over-committed in agreeing to do it.

• Or, you may discover that you really "want to" do it and don't feel the need for pressure.

The point is not to use new words as a trick to force yourself into action. The point is to notice your unconscious habit of using pressure to get things done.

Stop pressuring yourself to be motivated, shift how you talk to yourself, find your "want to" and listen to your body's wisdom.

From that place, choices will feel like genuine participation in your own life and a path to "Getting Unstuck."
Dr. Paul

PS. Let's talk when you are tired of "feeling stuck"

Here's the link for a Free "Getting Unstuck" Conversation